I had a pretty concrete timeline in my head of what I wanted to get done when. The big things were already out of the way. I knew when I wanted to have our website done, when I wanted to send the save-the-dates. I wasn’t being crazy, I swear! I’m just organized.
And then, the spring happened. Life happened. Things got in the way. Family things. Friend things. I worked a lot and had major career challenges and achievements (more on that later). It has been a super busy couple of months, with not as much free time as I’m used to. And I also have been unusually emotionally spent, which means that I have spent the free time I do have vegging out instead of being productive.
My blog reader is incredibly backed up. I’ve barely looked at Pinterest unless I’m using it for the blog. I haven’t seen any hotels for our block, nor do I have a good idea of what we’re doing. I finally signed up for a website but haven’t made it yet. We don’t have a finished guest list. We haven’t sent our save-the-dates.
And you know what? It’s ok. So what if my self-imposed deadline for the list above was Spring Break (a month ago)? This stuff will get done. So what if it’s a bit late? The important people know the date already and really, does anyone need to book a hotel room a full year in advance? No.
The truth is, I’ve shocked myself with my nonchalance regarding the to-do list. Anyone who knows me knows that I am perhaps the least flexible person alive. I make plans. I stick to them. And I become really unhappy when things don’t go according to plan. I know when I want to get things done and I do it, no matter what it takes. I am a strict and unkind taskmaster, at least to myself.
But I’ve been working hard for the last year or so at being kinder and more compassionate to myself, at treating myself the way I treat others. And I really thought I was failing (yes, I appreciate the irony in this statement). Apparently, though, I’m not. I’ve given myself a break. I’m fairly relaxed about it.
At the beginning of the engagement, I thought, “Wow, I’ve really got to keep a close eye on myself.” I know how I can get with a big project to plan. I can be obsessed with details and perfection, anxious and self-critical. I succumb to the stress, and what event is more stressful to plan than a wedding? So this was a potential minefield.
I’ve been able to avoid those mines so far. I hope I continue to do so. I think the engagement period is important for so many reasons to us as a couple, but I didn’t realize how much I would learn about myself, how much I would be challenged, and how much I could change. I’ll have to remember this moment of flexibility in the future when challenges arrive, and luckily, I’ll have the strength of this experience to draw on.