Big Wedding, Small Budget

Trusting Myself

on October 11, 2012

I’ve always been a decisive person. Once I make a choice, I stick with it. I do take a long time to make a decision, though. I like to explore all of the options and think about the advantages and disadvantages of each. I try to imagine how each choice would work out in the long run, and how each would make me feel. I think about issues again and again, moving slowly toward a decision. And when I’m finally finished, I relish the accomplishment of moving forward, of making a choice. I don’t look back.

For some reason, I thought planning a wedding would be a little different. I read posts from so many women online second guessing their decisions, especially after getting negative feedback from other people. I’ve heard about so many people completely scrapping their wedding plans after changing their mind.

So yeah, I thought wedding planning would involve a lot of self doubt, second guessing, and questioning myself. Luckily, I was wrong. Each decision I’ve made has left me feeling good, feeling resolute, and feeling ready to move forward.

Yesterday was the first time, though, that I made a really emotional decision for the wedding. I asked a friend to be our officiant. And this was a difficult decision. I always imagined getting married by one of our Rabbis (not an option now because Steve isn’t Jewish). I really had to examine whether or not I wanted to hire a rabbi who would be willing to officiate our wedding. And I had to do some research into what Jewish law requires (not that our interfaith marriage is recognized, but I am nothing if not contradictory).

It turns out that I didn’t love the idea of paying someone to marry us that we didn’t know. And Jewish law only requires that someone educated and literate in Judaism perform the ceremony; clergy is not required, since the couple actually marries each other rather than having someone else marry them. So, slowly, after imagining how it would feel to get married by a friend, we made our decision.

And then, I waited a couple of weeks to ask her. I expected to feel uncomfortable with such an untraditional choice, to regret it, to feel the loss of the wedding ceremony I had expected to have. I didn’t want to ask until I was sure.

But the truth was, I was really sure all along. So yesterday, I asked. And she said yes. And afterwards, I felt absolutely no regret, no sadness. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt nothing but immense excitement and joy.

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