Well, the day is almost here. Although right now I hoped I would have found my wedding Zen, it has not happened yet. Instead, I’m worrying about the one thing that’s completely out of my control—the weather. I’m spending hours getting my house ready for everyone to come over, and I’m driving from one end of town to the other running errands. I’ve basically become a mad woman. I haven’t given up yet on wedding Zen, though; by Wednesday, most things will have calmed down and maybe, just maybe, the weather forecast will have changed.
All this stress hasn’t left me much time for reflection on what is actually happening here; namely, the huge life transition of getting married. In moment of stolen calm, though, I find myself a little, I don’t know, nostalgic? Sad? Wistful? I find myself thinking back to my last apartment and how much I loved it, to all the time spent bonding with my dog when it was just the two of us, to the excitement of the beginning of my relationship with Steve. Since we have lived together for so long, it has felt like not that much will change after we get married, and I think that has left me a little in denial as to how big of a life step this really is.
Getting married does mean a change in my identity. It means I will now be a wife. And although that mostly thrills me, it’s a little scary too, a little unknown. Even though Steve and I have been making decision together for a long time, now we’ll have to. Now, I really can’t just decide things on my own without taking anyone else into account. Now, I’ll have my own family.
Frankly, these feelings don’t surprise me at all. Even though I’m super excited to get married, I also feel a little sad at transitions, even happy ones, even ones I have been looking forward to. A new chapter in life always means turning the page on an old one, both the good and the bad. It means saying goodbye to a little bit of who you were before and saying hello to who you will be. And my focus on being emotionally present at this wedding means honoring all of my feelings, the happy and the sad, the excited and the wistful, the optimistic and the nostalgic. After all, life is ever-changing, isn’t it? And so are we.